By Mark W. Field
As I listened to Clare drone on, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t daydreaming but having a conversation in my own mind as she endlessly prattled on.
I never realized before how this internal world of words—commonly called self-talk—had stopped me from hearing what Clare was saying, keeping it in perspective, and clearly communicating my thoughts back to her. That's because when Clare, my oldest daughter, or any other family member, speaks to me, only ten percent of their communication comes to me in the form of words.
I also realized that I fired away endless laser-like requests, demands, petitions and so forth to God, but rarely simply took time to be quiet and listen to what He had to tell me. Instead, I was distracted regularly by thoughts about work, things I needed to do, my problems and concerns—but not listening to that still, small voice. Matthew 11:15, “He who has ears, let him hear” seemed to make even more sense than as a child in Vacation Bible School. God had given me the gift of hearing but I wasn’t using it with Him or with others.
As human beings, we often overlook the extent to which we communicate with ourselves. People talk to themselves either out loud or subconsciously at the rate of 150 to 300 words per minute. That adds up to as many as 50,000 inwardly directed thoughts and words each day.
How humans understand people’s words is largely based on how they interpret the signals other’s body and eyes emit to them. Self-talk controls that process of interpretation—often leading to misinterpretation.
To further complicate things, Gestalt, a well-developed psychological theory, goes hand-in-hand with self-talk. This theory contends that one cannot think two thoughts simultaneously. If you’re a non-believer—try reading a book and watch television at the same time. It can’t be done. You are either doing one or the other. Self-talk is a reality—one is listening or speaking to oneself as the other person is speaking.
Typical self-talk often includes:
• Thinking about your next logical statement in the argument;
• Conjuring up ways to twist the conversation and focus of attention back on oneself;
• “You think you’ve got problems…”; “How boring…”; or, “Why are you dumping on me….”; or,
• Presuming what person is going to say and framing your response.
A first step in controlling self-talk is to understand the communication process. Unlike other sensory perceptions, hearing happens all the time, even while sleeping—but listening does not. Good communication involves careful "listening" (to words and body language), maintaining a proper perspective (being aware of your own biases) and clarifying what is said (by repeating the speaker's ideas back to them). Perfecting this "process of interpretation" takes practice and patience...and a big dose of humility.
Dr. William Backus in Telling Yourself the Truth (Bethany House) says, "What I think and believe determines how I feel and what I do." I might add how I listen and what I hear. Where do these internal words originate?
Understanding Self-Talk
Often self-talk is the voice of past experiences speaking into present circumstances. For example, when I was young, my sisters ridiculed me on a fairly regular basis. Gripped by anger, I would scream at them and then get in trouble with my mother. My sisters laughed after I was punished. This created a flow of "victim" thoughts.
Even into early adulthood, at the slightest hint of teasing, my subconscious tended to flash back to events with my sisters, and I would react much in the same way as I did with them. If other people chided me, the subconscious anger I felt toward my sisters would flash up and fuel my emotions, and I would lash out at them.
In some situations, I didn't understand that my self-talk caused me to misinterpret my wife or children’s words or misjudge their motives and caused friction between us. But once I began to see the overwhelming and potentially destructive influence of self-talk, I knew something needed to change.
I have learned to use the freeze frame to change this negative self-talk to positive. Each thought we have filters through a past frame of reference. An event, something someone said, a memorable encounter, and much more become the frames of reference we pass our thoughts through. When I catch myself saying something negative, I will consciously react, freeing that frame of reference and changing it into a more positive thought, hence the freeze frame.
This process does take considerable focus and willingness to change in order to move from the negative to the positive. When we take this risk, we change our attitude and therefore are able to stand up for our rights while not violating the rights of others.
I soon realized that controlling self-talk would take a combination of listening and disciplined effort. As I consciously focused on my thoughts, I could identify the self-talk that distorted the truth.
As my self-talk changed, so did my responses and actions toward others. My defensive wall came down, and I could accept good-natured bantering from others without getting angry or defensive.
How good a listener are you really?
Of all the skills you need to be successful as a homeschooler—one of the most important is the ability to be a good listener. When in conversation, are you waiting for your turn to talk, or your turn to listen? Like many humans, you may be waiting your turn to say whatever you think is important….to you.
We live in a society of poor listeners. Most people were never taught how to listen, but is the most important marital and homeschool skill you can practice, for two reasons. First, everyone has a need to be listened to. Second, listening well is the only way to really learn about your children and spouse so that you can really serve them as God has intended.
ACTION STEPS
Learn to Manage Your Distractions
If you have to stop the conversation so you can change an external distraction, do it. And most of all, you have to wait your turn to talk. Really wait. Make sure your spouse and children, especially teenagers, walk away from every encounter with you thinking two thoughts… “She really listened to what I had to say.” And, “He really cares about what’s best for me.” External distractions are things such as noise, the phone ringing, and interruptions in all their varieties.
Internal distractions include shutting down because you disagree with what the person is saying or becoming preoccupied with judging the other person based upon their past behavior, responses, or attitude.
Take from Other’s Powerful Experiences
Two main ingredients make up good listening. First, become committed. Watch yourself, and evaluate yourself at every turn.
Survey friends and family and ask them truthfully how good a listener you really are. Ask them to point out when you’re not listening well so you can become more aware of your bad habits. Oh, and did I tell you, “Don’t interrupt people.”
Rick Pitino, a tremendously successful college basketball coach, knows the value of listening. In a recent speech, he told about the impact of listening in his role as a recruiter. He spoke of going to the homes of outstanding high-school basketball players, to convince them and their families to choose the University of Kentucky.
In his forty-five-minute presentation, he would tell athletes and their families about University strengths, its huge stadium, academic programs, support services, training facilities—all the things that made the University of Kentucky program the best. He was passionate.
After the visit, his assistant coaches would say, “You were great, Coach. You covered it all. There’s no way we won’t be one of the top choices.” Wrong. The majority of prospects said, “No thanks.”
Pitino changed his approach. He went to family’s homes and listened. What did the player want in a college, in a basketball program? What did the family expect? Families did the talking.
When it was over, the assistant coach said, “Coach, you didn’t mention the individual instruction and academic support services.” But the results were different. They were among the families’ final two choices. Why? Pitino built trust by showing interest in the family and their child. His lesson: Listen seventy-five percent; talk twenty-five percent. Find out what people need and want. Value their input.
With the success secret of listening, you can be an unsung hero, and have a stand-out marriage, homeschool, children, and life.
The Facts
In a recent Loyola University study, listening was deemed one of the most important skills in life. Those surveyed complained about spouses and bosses who don’t listen to their needs, suggestions, or complaints. Poor listening was determined to be boorish and self-centered.
Parent-child time is finite and listening requires both time and concentration. There is competition for your ears—ringing phones, noisy children, people talking or outside noises. Add that many listeners may not be interested, or may have already made up their minds.
Poor listening skills equate to lost opportunities to teach our children character and values, misunderstandings, and time-wasting disagreements. It leads to decreased learning, poorer attitudes towards learning and general parental direction.
Increasing Your Listening Skills
Focus on the listener. Listening is critical to a homeschooler’s success. It builds relationships, determines needs and sets priorities. In the “sponge mode,” one can absorb all the information that will help meet and manage expectations for the homeschool.
Make an appointment if necessary. To help you focus, take notes and develop the attitude: “When I listen, I learn.”
Acknowledge your listener. One of the principal roles of a parent and teacher is to listen to the child’s and student’s needs. The best methods are to acknowledge the speaker’s comments by appropriate gestures, nodding, smiling, sitting forward, and adding comments such as, “Yes, go on,” “I see.” Most important, maintain continuous eye contact.
Clarify. Active listening requires that you understand not only the content of the information, but the intent. When it comes to course assignments, as teachers, we can ensure active listening by asking, “How do you plan to do this?”
Empathize. Parenting teens is often accompanied by their anger and frustration. “My parents never listen to me!” While may not be true, a proper response, rather than defend, is: “Tell me about your experience and how it made you feel.” Then listen. Then empathize and say that you would feel the same way. The goal is to position oneself verbally on the child’s side of the table, not on the opposite side making an excuse or offering a solution. When parents try to walk in a child’s (especially a teenager’s) shoes, trust begins to build.
Many parents simply desire to be problem solvers. But, when a child or, especially a wife to a husband, often comes to talk, it is, in reality, just a desire to vent frustrations. It is not a time for a spouse or parent to start providing solutions but rather to offer an empathetic ear. Psychiatrists make their living listening, paraphrasing, and helping patients feel better about themselves by just lending a friendly ear.
From experience, I’ve found that personally and professionally, you get what you want by giving people what they want. You commonly find out what they want by asking—and then listening. Give good F.A.C.E. time to impact your personal, family and homeschool success.
Leadership writer and lecturer John Maxwell says when it comes to self-talk—you already know what you are going to say. You don’t know, however, what the other person is going to say.
Stop here, and take stock. “What do I hope to gain from this particular conversation?” And, listen up, you might just learn something new—other than what you already know—and transform your marriage and your homeschool.
Mark W. Field ©
107 North Pierce Avenue
Wheaton, Illinois 60187
www.HomeFieldAdvantage.org
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