By Annette Friesen
No one is exempt from conflict in relationships. In fact, conflict is inevitable. At Peacemaker Ministries, we often say, "Where two or three are gathered together…there will be conflict!" Conflict can be defined as a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone's goals or desires. People, therefore, experience a great deal of conflict as others interfere with their plans. This is true for homeschoolers as well. Despite our best efforts as parents to establish the well-run, properly structured home school, organizations, and support groups, we still have conflicts. If these conflicts go unresolved, they can grow to infect our hearts and then our behavior, negatively impacting all those around us. Conflicts among Christians can be even more intense and destructive. As people take positions based on their religious beliefs, they often succumb to self-righteousness and begin to judge others' motives. Thinking that they alone are defending biblical truth, they label all opposing views as unbiblical, sinful, and even "of the enemy."
Conflicts are caused by many things, including misunderstandings, competition over limited resources, and differences in values, goals, priorities, expectations, interests, or opinions-just to name a few. A common problem among believers is that we tend to confuse unity, which Jesus prayed for in John 17:23, with uniformity. Unity is what we have as believers in Christ. When we experience Christ's redemptive work in our lives and encourage this in others, we strengthen this unity. Uniformity, on the other hand, insists that another's life be lived the way I think is right, that things must be done my way. As homeschoolers, we have a tendency to find a strategy or plan that works, only to find ourselves pushing this plan or strategy onto another. This tendency reveals yet another cause of conflict.
A primary cause of conflict is sinful attitudes and desires that lead to sinful words and actions. James 4:1–3 reminds us that the source of our quarrels and conflicts come from the desires that battle within us. We may typically think of these desires as evil things, but they can also be good things that we want too much. The desire for smart, well-behaved children, a life without struggles, or warm accepting friendships can put expectations and pressures on those around us to meet our agendas. As these desires grow and overtake our thoughts and behavior, we begin to see these desires as "must haves," and they soon become demands.
When our demands are not met, we become critical and condemn others-if not with words, surely with our hearts. This unrighteous judging is characterized by feelings of superiority, indignation, condemnation, bitterness, or resentment. Sinful judging also involves speculating on others' motives. What originally was a desire for something good now has become the standard that we use to judge others.
In essence, we have made idols of the desires in our heart. We have begun to love and pursue our desires in place of God (Phil. 3:19). Sadly, once our idols have taken control, they demand sacrifices, and we will punish anyone who gets in our way. We might disdain, belittle, reject, or impose guilt or shame on others to try and manipulate them to achieve our demands—all sure signs that idols are ruling our heart.
But there is hope for us in our conflicts! God has provided a way out. Instead of focusing on our own desires, we can seek first to please and honor him by choosing to see conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, serve others, and grow to be like Christ (1 Corinthians 10:31–11:1). Instead of attacking others or dwelling on their wrongs, we can take responsibility for our contribution to the conflict and confess our sins. We can ask God to help us change any attitudes and habits that lead to conflict, tearing down the idols we have erected in our hearts, and seeking to repair any harm we have caused.
Our tendency in conflict is to pretend that it doesn't exist, or to talk about others behind their backs. Nonetheless, God calls us to overlook minor offenses or to talk graciously and lovingly to those whose offenses we cannot overlook. If we cannot resolve our problem in private, Scripture directs us to seek the church's help to settle the matter in a biblical manner (Matt. 18:15–20, James 5:9, 2 Tim. 2:24–26).
God's ultimate mission is to reconcile us to himself. We should not accept premature compromise or allow relationships to wither; we need to actively pursue genuine peace and reconciliation. The apostle Paul exhorts, "And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God" (2 Corinthians 5: 20). As we forgive others as Christ has forgiven us, and seek just and mutually beneficial solutions to our differences, we are powerfully testifying to the love of Christ in our life and drawing others to that love.
Dr. Paul Tripp, in his compelling book War of Words, puts it this way: "Human problems are opportunities God can use to draw the people around us into fuller and deeper fellowship with him. This higher agenda is present in every relationship and every situation. God is working redemptively in all of them."
As high-profile and controversial as homeschoolers tend to be, our response to conflict presents us with a superb opportunity to demonstrate the love of Christ! How we respond to conflicts with our family, friends, co-workers, and to those with whom we have a strong difference of opinion, sends a clear message about whom or what we are worshiping in our heart. Our responses, words, and behavior always express worship of some kind. What do your words and behavior reflect about your heart? Are you serving your own agenda or are you seeking to serve God's?
May we strive to share the redemptive message of Christ on the world stage of homeschooling by being true ambassadors of reconciliation. May we learn to be peacemakers!
Rick and Annette homeschooled all three of their children from the beginning. Their youngest graduated in May of 2000. Rick and Annette live in Salt Lake City, where Rick serves as the President of Utah Christian Home School Association (UTCH). Annette is the Home School Specialist for Peacemaker Ministries, an international ministry committed to equipping and assisting Christians and their churches to respond to conflict biblically.
© 2003 Peacemaker® Ministries www.HisPeace.org
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