An excerpt from Created to Be His Help Meet, by Debi Pearl and Rebekah Anast
Three Kinds of Men
Men are not all the same. I have become aware that there are basically three types of men. The different types are just as marked in 1-year-olds as they are in adult men. It seems that God made each male to express one side of His triad nature. No single man completely expresses the well-rounded image of God. If a man were all three types at the same time, he would be the perfect man, but I have never met, heard of, or read in a book of history or fiction of a man who is the proper balance of all three. Certainly Jesus was the perfect balance. Most men are a little of all three but tend to be dominant in one. And all the training and experiences of life will never successfully make a man into a different type of man. There is nothing clumsier and more pathetic than a man trying to act differently from who he is. Picture John Wayne and Mr. Rogers trying to trade places. As we review the types, you will probably readily identify your husband and be able to see where you have been a curse or a blessing to him.
By the time a young woman gets married, she has developed a composite image of what her husband ought to be like. The men she has known and the characters in books and movies provide each woman with a concept of the perfect man. Poor guys! Our preconceived ideas make it tough on them. They are never perfect—far from it. God gave each one a nature that in part is like Himself, but never complete. When you add in the factor that all men are fallen creatures, it makes a girl wonder why she would ever want to tie her life to one of these sons of Adam. But God made us ladies to have this unreasonable desire to be needed by a man, and our hormones are working strenuously to bring us together.
When a girl suddenly finds herself permanently wed to a man who is not like she thinks he ought to be, rather than adapt to him, she usually spends the rest of their marriage—which may not be very long—trying to change him into what she thinks her man ought to be. Most young girls are married only a short time when they make the awful discovery that they may have gotten a lemon. Rather than bemoan your “fate,” ask God for wisdom. Wisdom is knowing what you “bought” when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be.
Men are not alike. Your husband most likely will not be like your father or brother or the man in your favorite romance novel. Our husbands are created in the image of God, and it takes all kinds of men to even come close to completing that image. No man is a perfect balance; if he were, he would be too divine to need you. God gives imperfect women to imperfect men so they can be heirs together of the grace of life and become something more together than either one of them would ever be alone. If you fight your husband’s inadequacies or seek to be dominant where he is not, both of you will fail. If you love him and support him with his inadequacies and without taking charge, both of you will succeed and grow.
Mr. Command Man
God is dominant—a sovereign and all-powerful God. He is also visionary—omniscient and desirous of carrying out His plans. And God is steady—the same yesterday, and today, and forever, our faithful High Priest. Most men epitomize one of these three aspects of God.
A few men are born with more than their fair share of dominance and, on the surface, a deficit in gentleness. They often end up in positions that command other men. We will call them Command Men. They are born leaders. They are often chosen by other men to be military commanders, politicians, preachers, heads of corporations, and managers of businesses. Winston Churchill, George Patton, and Ronald Reagan are examples of dominant men. Since our world needs only a few leaders, God seems to limit the number of these command men.
Throughout history, men created in God the Father’s image have all surrounded themselves with good men to help get big jobs completed. Command Men usually do more than is required of them. They are known for expecting their wives to wait on them hand and foot. A Command Man does not want his wife involved in any project that prevents her from serving him. If you are blessed to be married to a strong, forceful, bossy man, as I am, then it is very important for you to learn how to make an appeal without challenging his authority. We will discuss how to make an appeal later in this book.
Command Men have less tolerance, so they will often walk off and leave their clamoring wife before she has a chance to realize that she is even close to losing her marriage. By the time she realizes that there is a serious problem, she is already a divorced mother seeking help in how to raise her children alone. A woman can fight until she is blue in the face, yet the Command Man will not yield. He is not as intimate or vulnerable as are other men in sharing his personal feelings or vocation with his wife. He seems to be sufficient unto himself. It is awful being shut out. A woman married to a Command Man has to earn her place in his heart by proving that she will stand by her man, faithful, loyal, and obedient. When she has won his confidence, he will treasure her to the extreme.
She is on call every minute of her day. Her man wants to know where she is, what she is doing, and why she is doing it. He corrects her without thought. For better or for worse, it is his nature to control.
A woman married to a Command Man wears a heavier yoke than most women, but it can be a very rewarding yoke. In a way, her walk as his help meet is easier because there is never any possibility of her being in control. There are no gray areas; she always knows exactly what is required of her; therefore she has a calm sense of safety and rest.
The Command Man feels it is his duty and responsibility to lead people, and so he does, whether they think they want him to lead or not. Amazingly, this is what the public is most comfortable with. Very few people have enough confidence to strike out on their own; plus, the feeling of being blamed for mistakes holds them back. The Command Man is willing to take the chance, and for that purpose God created these king-like men. Their road is not easy, for James said, “My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation” (James 3:1).
On 9-11, when the World Trade Center was destroyed, another plane flying over Pennsylvania was being hijacked by other terrorists. Mr. Todd Beamer was on that plane. It was his voice we all heard saying the now famous line, “Let’s roll.” He mast have been a strong Mr. Command Man. He, and others like him, saved many other lives while sacrificing their own. It could have been a terrible mistake, but Mr. Beamer evaluated the situation, made a decision and then acted upon it. He knew the lives of all those people were in his hands. It was a heavy responsibility, yet he was “willing to do what a man’s gotta do.” You will remember how strong and queenly his young widow seemed when we watched her on TV after the attacks. A good Mr. Command sees the bigger picture and strives to help the greatest number, even if it costs him his life and the lives of those he loves. If he is an honest man, he will take financial loss in order to help lead those who need him, but in the end he will usually come out on top. If he is not an honest man, he will be selfish and use the resources of others to further his own interests.
A King wants a Queen, which is why a man in command wants a faithful wife to share his fame and glory. Without a woman’s admiration, his victories are muted. If a wife learns early to enjoy the benefits of taking the second seat, and if she does not take offense to his headstrong aggressiveness, she will be the one sitting at his right side being adored, because this kind of man will totally adore his woman and exalt her. She will be his closest, and sometimes only, confidante. Over the years, the Command Man can become more yielding and gentle. His wife will discover secret portals to his heart.
If you are married to a king, honor and reverence is something you must give him on a daily basis if you want him to be a benevolent, honest, strong, and fulfilled man of God. He has the potential to become an amazing leader. Never shame him, and do not belittle him or ignore his accomplishments.
If the wife of a Command Man resists his control, he will readily move forward without her. If he is not a principled Christian, he will allow the marriage to come to divorce. Like King Ahasuerus of Persia, if she defies him, he will replace her and not look back. If his Christian convictions prevent him from divorcing, he will remain stubbornly in command, and she will be known as a miserable old wretch.
If a Command Man has not developed working skills, and thus accomplishes little, he will have the tendency to tell stories about himself and brag until people are sick of him. If he has left his wife and lost his children, thus having no legitimate “kingdom” of his own, he will be obnoxiously garrulous.
A Command Man who has gone bad is likely to be abusive. It is important to remember that much of how a Command Man reacts depends on his wife’s reverence toward him. When a Command Man (lost or saved) is treated with honor and reverence, a good help meet will find that her man will be wonderfully protective and supportive. In most marriages, the strife is not because the man is cruel or evil; it is because he expects obedience, honor, and reverence and is not getting it. Thus, he reacts badly. When a wife plays her part as a help meet, the Command Man will respond differently. Of course, there are a few men who are so cruel and violent that even when the wife is a proper help meet, he will still physically abuse her or the children. In such cases, it would be the duty of the wife to alert the authorities so that they might become the arm of the Lord to do justice.
• Mr. Command will not take the trash out, as a general rule, and he will not clean up the mess at the trash area. He may organize and command someone else to do it. Any woman trying to force Mr. Command into becoming a nice trash man will likely end up alone, trashed by her man.
• Mr. Command will want to talk about his plans, ideas, and finished projects. He will be very objective, very unemotional and he will not enjoy small talk. His vision is like a man looking from a high mountain; he sees the distant goal. He will expect his wife to help him remember individuals’ needs.
• Mr. Command Man will be most uncomfortable and at a loss when dealing with the sick, helpless, and dying. Where there is no hope, there will be no need for a Command Man.
• A born leader is a man who can, when necessary, adapt principles or rules to circumstances for the greater good of the greatest number of people.
This excerpt of Debi Pearl’s book was co-authored by her daughter Rebekah (Pearl) Anast. Created to Be His Help Meet is 27 chapters, 280 pages, including letters from my readers, recounting counseling sessions, wisdom gleaned from my daughters, my own very personal stories, and, of course, the Word of God. It includes subjects as varied as planning meals to answering extremely intimate questions.
Debi Pearl is the wife of Michael Pearl and the co-author of To Train Up a Child. Her newest book, Created to Be His Help Meet, is available online at nogreaterjoy.org.
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